Archive for November, 2008

House (2008)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 18, 2008 by sideshowmassacre

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Don’t mistake this for the classic 1986 film of the same name. 10 minutes in and the main characters have revealed themselves to be completely unlikeable. The dialogue is killing me, are these people robots?

After driving his mustang erratically Jack Singleton (Reynaldo Rosales) nearly takes out a surly Michael Madsen who gives them creepy directions back to the interstate. Of course they end up in the woods and have a blow out which means they have to go visit the Wayside Inn, wow, so fresh, so new.

Jack and his wife meet a young couple who ran into the same items in the road and they become fast friends. They finally meet the propreiters of the the Inn. The owner and her creepy son Pete.  Once they sit down for dinner it all goes bad.  You meet the head of the house (Bill “motherfucking” Mosely) and Pete starts making a pass at the young redhead.  When the visitors try to leave their faced with the “Tin Man” and his shotgun?  Evil spirits favor shotguns I suppose, I just wasn’t aware.

The inn family put the building on lockdown and everybody goes into a panic.  Of course the walls of the inn are covered in newspaper articles about people who found themselves in the same predicament and were never heard from again.  Subtle.  “God came into my house and I killed him” “I will kill anyone who comes into my house like I killed God.”  Apparently the young couples are sinners and the Tinman is here to kill them.  Luckily if they kill somebody first he may let them live.  Sounds fair.

Crazy family puts the “sinners” in the meat locker and the two groups have a row, the family is not the wholesome bunch of normal folk they originally appeared to be.  Now I’d like to go into more depth but the movie was killer boring and barely held my attention.

It turns out the house is pure evil and it uses the skeletons in each persons closet to destroy them and cause them to destroy themselves.  The young couple from the beginning rekindle their love for one another and use the “light” to destroy the darkness.

Just to round things out the young woman actually died at the beginning in the car crash which also took the lives of the other couple they met.

Everything in this movie has been done before and much better.  Fuck this movie sucks…a lot…There is something genuinely creepy about the movie but I think it’s because it feels like some cult propaganda film.

Faith overcomes pure evil but cannot put together an enjoyable screenplay.

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El Baron del terror – The Brainiac (1962)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 18, 2008 by sideshowmassacre

Hurray, it’s Mexican horror Monday.  I don’t have any real plans to continue that tradition but right now it’s Monday and The Brainiac WAS Mexican until they dubbed over it which turned out to be one of the movie’s redeeming qualities.

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The year is 1661 and the holy inquisition is travelling Mexico killing off witches and the like.  We’re introduced to Baron Vitelius d’Estera (Abel Salazar) who’s reprehensible crimes include dogmatism, godlessness, necromancy and telling the future through the use of corpses.  When the inquisition discovers that Baron is also a masochist and has loved every minute of torture they decide that the only logical punishment is to dress  him up like the Pope and set him on fire.  Makes sense to me.

Luckily just as he’s happily smoldering a comet comes by and after some erotic glances are exchanged between the man-witch and the space rock he curses his executioners families and disappears.

The dubbing makes the movie play out like a skit on “Who’s line is it anyway?” but the music is brooding and threatening which gives the movie some sort of balance.  That is until 300 hundred years have passed and the Baron returns to earth in his rock.  Some young astronomers catch site of the glass smudge that represents a comet and go in search of it?  They lose it when it crashes to earth and dissolves revealing the Baron in his new Satan/Brundlefly/Dr. Zodberg form.

The Baron wastes no time and begins hypnotizing victims (by having someone off screen flash a light in his face)  transforming from his man form into his creature form and sucking out their brains.  Now although he just crash landed back on earth after 300 years he now has a large mansion, he’s so happy that he throws a party and invites all of the inquisitors decendants.

One he’s met them all, he’s SO charming that they all invite him over to their homes.  Now for the next 25 minutes he visits with rich folk, seduces the women and then kills them.  Each couple have their brains removed before Baron Von Squid Hands sets them ablaze trying to hide the evidence.

Luckily the bumbling local police force has made the connection between the deaths and the 300 year old inquisitors and arrives just as the Baron is trying to kill the pluck astronomers.  Using police issue flame throwers they reduce the Baron to his human form, which then turns into a skeleton, eek, a skeleton.

THE END

The was cheesy but not any worse than anything else low budget popping up in the early sixties.  I’d say the acting was solid but you would have look past the hilarious dubbing.  The music was brooding and beautiful in a generic instrumental way.  Definitely the best Mexican horror movie from the sixties I’ve ever seen.

WATCH IT!

Freddy Vs. Ghostbusters

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 17, 2008 by sideshowmassacre

Quite possibly my favorite short film ever, well…maybe not better than Treevenge.

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This 2004 film runs about 30 minutes long and it never gets old. It starts off with a dream sequence with colours lifted from Argento and a style right out of the first few Nightmare on Elm St. flicks. We’re introduced to one of the main characters, Neil. Neil’s been having a lot of nightmares. In these nightmares he runs afoul of a very authentic looking and sounding Freddy Krueger (Bradley J. Roddy). He attacks poor Neil who awakes with a start, kicking off the iconic theme song from the Ghostbusters and the title screen “Freddy vs. Ghostbusters”

Enter Eugene (Jason Cook) and Ed Spengler (Tim Johnson) nephew of Egon. With the help of Neil they are going to “bust” the paranormal in Denver. The trio head off for some liquid courage and some encouraging words for Neil since his crush is dating his unemployed, slob of a roommate.

Their first paranormal battle shows up at the bar, it’s none other than Slimer looking as good as he did in 1984. Braxtan Films have the effects down pat, the footage looks as low budget as it must have been but the ghost busting props are solid and legit right down to the proton streams. The “new” Ghostbusters quickly gain popularity which of course calls for a musical montage to a remix of the original theme.

The movie keeps going strong when the guys realize that Neil’s bad dreams were caused by his haunted mattress, “A haunted bed? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Unfortunately Neil’s disgusting roommate has already met Freddy and ended up as a smear across Neil’s wall (His death is fun so I encourage you to watch it…I can wait…do it now).

With the boys a little lost on their course of action, they ask themselves, “What would Jared do?” Which prompts a visit from Subway spokesperson Jared (actually Bill O’Grady) he tells them to go into the dream, pull Freddy out and blast him. They do, and finish their day off with a musical montage. They’ve earned it.

The acting is engaging, the effects were faithful and fun and after the credits you get a teaser for a big budget movie, you’ll see. Fun movie from start to finish. More satisfying then Nightmare on Elm St. 4 and 5 (maybe 6) and will tide Ghostbuster fans over, for a little while.

No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker

Posted in Reviews with tags , , , , on November 15, 2008 by sideshowmassacre

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SPOILER ALERT!

For those of you that missed Reeker we have a recap. Group of twenty-somethings end up at a desolate rest stop in the middle of the desert. Insert a decaying monster with cloaking technology stolen from the Predator a roto-router with a taste for blood and an offensive smell. With the exception of extremely strong and entertaining gore effects Reeker is mediocre.

Now Writer/Director Dave Payne has returned with a sequel. Apparently he felt Reeker deserved a back story, so here we go. This movie starts off strong much like the original with some cringe-worthy gore effects and a rich desert landscape. Reeker started his life as your average run of the mill serial killer, the Death Valley Drifter (Michael Robert Brandon).

The voices in his head have prompted his bloody and surgical killing spree to prepare him for the position he will hold after death. After a run in with local law enforcement and the cowardly Deputy Reed (David Stanbra) the drifter turns himself in and is promptly executed in the least believable gas chamber ever committed to film.

We jump to the present day some 30 years later. A new truck stop/motel and a new group of fodder. Three casino bandits stop to fill up their tank and visit with an old flame. We’re introduced to the gruff Sheriff Reed (Robert Pine) and his estranged son turned new deputy (Christopher Boyer). The bandit’s girlfriend/ex-girlfriend Maya (Mircea Monroe) is introduced as the big city girl having a hard time adjusting to small town life. We also get a look at the doctor who happens to have no sense of smell (Valerie Cruz), what? The three bandits including Maya’s boyfriend/ex-boyfriend are spotted by the sheriff, there is a gun fight and the gas pump and getaway car explodes.

The main characters are now in a dimension removed from normal time and space “between light and dark” (this leads to a funny bit of physical comedy as the deputy attempts to throw him self through the invisible barrier). This is explained briefly by a native character who wanders into the diner, offers some exposition and then wanders out into the night to be slaughtered.

One by one they are killed off by the Reeker who suffers from twitching that puts Max Headroom to shame. The Reeker is meant to move in an unsettling fashion, unfortunately it irritates, it doesn’t unsettle.

This movie excels in the gore effects which leads to classic lines like “Look who’s being nice now that he doesn’t have a face.” The injuries suffered by the cliche and unlikeable cast are done fantastically well and require a stronger stomach. This included a severely fractured leg, a mutilated face and missing section of skull and the deputy’s bloody face explosion. The grisly ways in which the participants die make this movie worth a watch, once, and only once.

Recommended for gorehounds and those who can find redeeming qualities in even the worst horror movies…like me.

Your Daily Dose of Horror

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 15, 2008 by sideshowmassacre

From independent to blockbuster.

From newly released, fresh from the theatres, or in all their straight to DVD glory.

From the classics that shaped you into the stable, contributing member of society you are today…ahem…to the movies that were so bad that everyone involved took their own lives and the original script was exorcised and laid to rest in the basement of the Vatican.

Here you will find the best and worst the genre has to offer.

Enjoy.