Archive for April, 2009

Twilight…the hell?

Posted in Reviews with tags , , , , , on April 28, 2009 by sideshowmassacre
I did it, excuse me I have to....erp....

I did it, excuse me I have to....erp....

Dear Twilight, I hate you. Bela Lugosi hates you. Bram Stoker hates you. Anne Rice hates you. Christopher Lee hates you. Thomas Alfredson hates you. Steve Niles hates you. Shall I go on?

I have had this nagging voice in my head telling me if I was going to continue ranting about Twilight I should actually see it so today when I was looking for 99 cent movies to watch I actually considered it. My better judgment took over and I put it back on the shelf. In a terrible twist of fate, Juan, the owner of the local food jobber had watched it recently and wanted my opinion so I ended up with a free rental…great.

When the first trailer started playing for some High School Musical bullshit called “Band Slam” I knew I was screwed. I watch a lot of “terrible” films but I had no idea what I was in for. The shit-eating grins on every student Bella runs across, the emo kid, the jock, the nerdy girl are all the happiest drones I’ve ever seen. Everyone is sweet as pie with the exception of melancholy Bella and sullen Cullen.

The acting isn’t terrible, everyone manages to chew through the drivel with a mediocre level of skill. It says a lot for the actors considering the script. I’d love to know what the special effects budget was, I have a feeling someone pocketed most of it and is living it up in Guam. The glimmery diamond skin when the “vampires” are exposed to sunlight, the blur effect to show you they’re moving very quickly, this is all top notch work. When the evil vamps blur and hit people why do the people blur as they fall backwards onto their asses, were they doing so at an incredible rate of speed?

The high point of the movie for me was watching Edward doing his Wizard of Space and Time routine up the mountain to show Bella his true form. The family plays a superhero game of hyper baseball, evil vampires show up. Vegpires runaway then they fight evil James and Edward saves Bella. The end.

Just because a movie is a hit, doesn’t mean the movie is particularly well done or even very good.The movie is bad, the masses are either insane or morons, the lowest common denominator will always pack the theatres.